I just keep going back to him

 

Image: GQ

María Jose Vargas                            November 13, 2022

This blog is a creative response to Normal People by Sally Rooney. 

(I left punctuation errors for the feeling this text is supposed to have, she is sad and reflecting on her relationship) :)

If I start this by saying what's wrong with me? Would it be cliche? I have always felt my life is a very bad low-budget movie, not that there's anything wrong with low-budget movies, mine is just really bad. Since I can remember I have been walking through this life with no finish line. It has been stages of course, does it always work like that? first I let people step on me publicly, later they step on me pretending they care, nobody cares, nobody but him, I think? not really sure though, I like to think he does care, but reading him is hard, I know every inch of him but I can't still figure him out, I love him, that I know, but does he? It seems there is always something wrong with us.

Sometimes I wonder why I let him treat me that way, I hate secrets, why did I let him make me one? I was seventeen I guess, but why does that feeling continue? I mean he has changed, why haven't I? I still feel powerless when I am with him, he can do whatever he wants with me, to me and I will let him do it, but he fills the emptiness, he always has, so I go back to him, and he comes back to me, we always have, we always will, we may not be for each other, but we made ourselves be.

Now that I read this, I don't understand why I wrote it. What am I a thirteen-year-old girl writing about her crush in her diary she got from a pound store? God, I miss him, I miss seeing him enter through my front door, I miss his look, I miss being with him, being with him that way, he left and I didn't go after him, would he have done it for me? I don't know, I just know I set him free.